Diaries of a Drunk Bridesmaid Part 1:
Suck a Cock Martha Stewart I Own You Bitch!
Typically, a room full of women and dildos would resemble something out of a horror movie starring Rosie O’Donnell a.k.a my worst nightmare. This time, however, it was my friend Gabby’s bachelorette party. But before the dildos came out I think that it is important to mention the events that proceeded the vibrating wonderland that came toward the end of the night. (Pun always intended).
It all started the night before this surprise bach party, i being the questionably helpful and permanently perverted, bridesmaid that I am decided to make a special treat for everyone on the following night. And after coming across a rather appealing looking penis cookie cutter at Spencers, the decision was clear. Seeing as cooking rather than baking is the extent of my domestic qualifications, I had to recruit Jane to be my partner in the Betty Crocker Penile Mission. Jane is quite an excellent baker, also she was in charge of making sure the cookies remained weed-less, seeing as I always have an overwhelming desire to add a little weed to all my baked goods. Luckily for her however, I forbade myself from carbs months ago and didn’t put up much of a fight.
One thing was for damn sure though, I was certainly not venturing into the world of baking sober! And if weed was not an option I’d have to turn to and old and always reliable friend: booze. After much deliberation about which alcoholic beverage I would chose to accompany the phallic bake off, I decided on a bottle of Champagne paired with Chambord. I made this selection because A) It’s delicious and after you polish off a bottle hits pretty hard. And B) To counter balance the class factor of the night, seeing as I was currently sculpting testicles out of cookie dough.
As Jane and I got increasingly tipsier the cookie making process reached the difficulty level of an intricate calculus problem. Heads were coming off, balls were misplace, several were lost completely! It looked like an unfortunate explosion erupted at a gay porn shoot and these were the remains. My voice resonated through the kitchen in utter distress…
“Shit shit shit Jane! I think I castrated this one!…again.”
“Fuck! I think I just made a chode!!! Omg you know how much I despise chodes Jane!”
This went on for what seemed like an eternity. However, after a long, grueling process, and cookie dough in places I would rather not discuss, it was time to stick the batch in the oven. As I threw the tray in there, I took a second to catch my breath and quickly replenished our drinks. It was my rather pathetic attempt of staying hydrated, Champagne is my Gatorade.
About ten minutes later, Jane skips into the kitchen to check on the status of the cookies. After opening and closing the oven…she lays down on the floor in fits of laughter. After briefly pushing regrets of giving her that 4th glass of champagne, out of my mind I go to investigate the situation myself. As I open the oven door my gaze focuses on the tray full of penises that expanded to three times their original size!
“Holly shit! Our cocks cockies developed elephantiasis!” I announced in sheer shock. “All that work was for nothing?! What are we going to do??!!” I asked Jane as I started cradling the champagne bottle and rocking back and forth in the corner.
“It’s ok I got this!” Jane confidently announced as she peeled herself off the floor.
“The cookies are still soft, we can re-cut them with the cookie cutter right after we take them out of the oven!” She proudly announced. Truly impressed with her cockie saving skills, I decided to assist her in the procedure.
Three burnt fingers later, we were on to decorating the cockies. While I was failing miserably with the pink icing, creating something that wouldn’t be up to par for a pre school craft project; Jane was now retardedly drunk and busy putting chocolate pubes on every ball sack in her sight. Great. In the end the only respectable looking shlong was the one covered in chocolate icing (the black one)… how ironically true to life.
After we finished the job, I quickly drifted off that night from sheer exhaustion. As I fell into a deep sleep I had dreams of my own baking show, where I would educate the world on the benefits and dangers of drinking and baking. I would introduce the new fad of Cockies, and school Martha Stewart at her own craft! Around 9 AM the following morning I jolted myself awake by my own outburst..
“Suck it Martha!” Startled I rubbed my eyes and began regaining some memories of the previous night as I examined burns on my fingers. I then quicklyjoggged into the kitchen only to be met by a tray that was unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. It looked like our already strangely shaped sugar cockies have been assaulted and raped by a barrage of icing and sprinkles. Quite the retarded batch of rejects.
While continuing to examine them and the empty bottles of booze surrounding the scene my phone rang, it was Cheeha.
“Hey what’s up? What did you end up doing last night?”
“Uhhh well, Jane and I made some peeenis cookies for Gabby’s bachelorette party today.” I answered in a slight haze. (Some call that haze a hangover, I call it evidence of a job well done)
“Haha, well how do they look?” Cheeha inquired further.
Not really sure that I could find a word in the English language to describe the scene in front of my eyes, I took a minute to answer… “Ummm well, I’m uhh going to go with whimsical. They look whimsical.” I finally answered.
“Haha I can’t wait.”
Little did I know this batch wouldn’t even be the most disturbing penis-resembling thing I saw that day. The events to follow surpassed the cockies by far….
To be continued
Diaries of a Drunk Bridesmaid Part 2:
Strippers and Sex Toy Parties Make Me Feel
Like a Kid on XMAS morning
At around mid-day of the bachelorette party surprise I was ready to replenish my alchy tank. I packed my car with the penis cookies (cockies) and drove to Gabby’s house to set everything up. As I arrived I quickly saw that I was in charge of mixing drinks. Big surprise there. Of course due to my adoration of all things alcoholic, my drinks turn out surprisingly good.
“Wow this is really good! Are you a bartender?” One of the girls inquired. “No, I just drink a lot,” I replied. To which she immediately giggled as if it were a joke, I continued to gaze at her with a completely straight face until she uncomfortably shuffled away and let me be with my bottled friends.
Actually, I briefly considered becoming a bar tender just a few moths ago. However, after much consideration I came to the conclusion that I fare better on the other side of things. And by ‘things’ I of course mean bar.
Several drinks later, the group and I wait in anticipation for Gabby to show up for the party. As she walks in the doorway the girls collectively yell “SURPRISE!!!!” I, as usual, have a delayed reaction and throw a cup of vodka at her that I had prepared earlier. That’s how I show love.
Several minutes later a ‘cop’ mysteriously arrives at the door searching for Gabby. Hoping to God that this was actually a stripper, I waited in anticipation. Yes, once I made the unfortunate mistake of assuming an actual real live cop was in fact a stripper. Needless to say he did not want to take it off nor was he a dirty dirty boy. Never again.
Officer G String strolled into the living room area where I stood tonguing a cup of Sangria. Upon laying eyes on him I almost spat up. “Was this one on sale or something? Did they find him in the Clearance section?!” I mumbled into the napkin I was using to wipe myself down, after the Sangria shower his appearance triggered.
Upon further investigation however, and after he took off his clothes I noticed he wasn’t nearly as bad as I had originally thought. And to be perfectly honest I was just rather spoiled after my first ever male stripper experience. After watching the show that 3 gorgeous strippers put on, I was placed into the hot seat. Against my will. Call me crazy but men decked out in panties don’t quite do it for me. Also I don’t appreciate just how unrealistically stuffed these panties are. His head was bobbing off each knee cap as he made his way on top of me. However, all negative things put aside, I decided to make the best of things and go along with it. In the end I ended up enjoying myself immensely. That is until, the best-looking one of the bunch did something so incredibly obscene and offensive to me that I was left in complete shock. He spoke.
“So baby, you having a good night?” he asked while swinging his g-string that was stuffed harder than a turkey on Thanksgiving diner in my face.
With a look of sheer horror and disgust on my face, I answer,” Uhh I’m sorry do they pay you to talk??”
I wish that Gabby had the stripper that I had… with an added muzzle feature of course. However, she didn’t seem bothered at all that Officer Pasty-Poker had quite an albino resembling complexion. He was doing a great job, and Gabby was enjoying sitting on his lap in true Santa style. Fuck, if Santa looked like that, I might venture into the mall around Christmas time more often myself.
A can of whipped cream, 2 motorboats, and 3 body shots later, Officer Pasty Poker was off to assault other unsuspecting brides with his ball sack.
After his departure the night continued with a sex toy party. Score. I was in the market for a new vibrator and certainly all ears for this one! Jen, the saleswoman, had just about every accessory under the sun associated with porking others or poking at yourself packed into 5 jumbo suitcases. As soon as I heard the wheels of her luggage clicking on the hardwood as she was rolling it into the room, I knew this was the beginning of a long and dildo-full relationship. Jen and I would end up being best friends whether she like it or not.
Before Jen led us into the world of high tech gadgets, she had a plethora of other products to share. The different kinds of creams stood out the most because she actually let us try all of them. Well I say all of them with the exception of the coochie tightener. Yes apparently there is a cream that can be injected in your glory hole that takes you back Madonna style: JUST LIKE A VIRGIN! Hmmm well I’m in no need of this anytime soon due to my grueling keigel workouts, but I made a brief mental note to send an email to the Octomom. Then there was also the exception of trying the “Anal Ease” thankfully. I love my friends but the sight of them sticking just about anything in their assholes would have made me contemplate poking my eyes out with the tray of Cockies. I breathed a sigh of relief when she moved on to the next product.
“Ok ladies this cream is used to arouse your nipples and on top of that, it’s flavored!!! I’m going to dab some on these q-tips and pass them around right now for all of you to try!”
“Your so thoughtful Jen, i am truly touched by your concern for my nipples,” I thought adoringly as I snatched the q-tip from her hand. Although I was always excited to rub just about anything on my nipples. I couldn’t help but wonder how much this cream will actually work on my headlights which are already in high beam mode 90% of the time…I hope they don’t go all incredible Hulk on me and turn green. With my focus off the task at hand with this rather concerning thought process, I was surprised to notice that I made a slight faux pas during the application process. Instead of portioning it correctly and spreading the cream on both nipples, I managed to get just the left one. Fuck me!
“Shit I only got the left one,” I loudly whispered to Cheeha as she struggled to wrestle her tities inside her bra.
Always supportive, she replied with a chuckle,”hahaha that sucks!’ as she finished buttering her own nipples. Little did she know, karma was going to sucker punch her soon enough.
Two minutes later, Jen went on to explaining her next product while I sat listening with one incredibly tingly nipple. The entire left side of my body was feeling freaky while the right could not have been less amused. Quite an awkward sensation. While giving the right side of my body a quick pep talk, I suddenly feel a jab from Cheeha.
“Elina! Elina! Elina!” she whispered loudly.
“What?” I asked as I got caught off guard by her fire engine red face.
“Elina, it buuuurns!!!! Oh my God it burns!!! It burns soo bad! Like fiiire!!! What should I do?!”
I listened carefully and reacted to her plea the only way I know how. Hysterical laughter. I wasn’t quite sure what she expected me to do in this situation. And something tells me she wouldn’t find a call to the fire department as humorous or helpful as I do. With my options dwindling, I tossed Jalapeno Nips a cocktail napkin and wished her the best.
By the time my left nipple settled down a bit Jen moved onto one of my personal favorites: the sex swing. She only had one with her, and a few of the girls almost got into a fist fight over it. Where’s the mud wrestling ring when you need it?! I wasn’t sold on this flimsy looking one however. When I invest in one I’d want top of the line and settle for nothing less. If I was fucking in a sex swing it was going to be some Cirque De Solei shit and I needed the proper support. Luckily, all knowing Jen informed us all of a more intricate and sturdy sex swing which screws directly into the ceiling. The only downside being that although the swing can be detached, the attachment itself is permanent. This will most definitely elicit some questions from any house guests that stop by. I took note of this swing for the future deciding that plastering a ficus to the ceiling of my living room will do just fine seeing as my vibrator ceiling fan would keep me from being featured in Home&Garden anyways.
Finally it was time for the next cream, this one was to be applied down in our south Florida regions rather than our nips. I followed the rest of the girls and formed a line at the bathroom. Cheeha quickly passed everyone to the front of the line, impressed by her bravery after the Jalapeno Nips incident I let it slide. Jen had instructed us to place the lotion on the “clitoris.” Never one to to pass up a “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” quote opportunity I announced “I’m off to find the mythical clitoris!” as I slammed the door to the bathroom.
Upon coming out each one of the girls has the same exact reaction…
“Yeah, I don’t know that I really feel anythinggg…OH SWEET JESUS!”
Every single woman at the party that tried the clit cream was now good and ready to saddle the next dick in sight just, as Jen took out her collection of vibrators. Smart move Jen. Smart move.
Each vibrator was fancier than the next. resembling a spaceship of sorts, the remote had more buttons than a airplane cockpit. I think one might have even had a microwave attached to it. The decision was a hard one, and in the end I picked a hard one.
I was tempted to purchase one of everything, fuck I would have gladly walked out of there with one of those suitcases. But that would just be absolutely ridiculous though… I’ll just harass Jen’s website and buy in bulk online. With any luck my vibrating underwear will come in before the wedding day.
