Feel free to raise the terror alert a few notches because I am publicly announcing that there is one person out there that has the same exact attitude, cup size, and sense of humor as I do. Her name is Lori and she and I continue to roam the streets freely, terrorizing anyone that looks us in the eyes/tits ( a minor discrepancy for most). We hold a bottle of booze in one hand, and a handful of the each other’s breast in the other. Together, we’ve been doing this happily ever since we met at a Mixed Martial Arts school that we started training at around the same time. Needless to say it was love at first choke hold. Nothing would make us happier than to wrestle on the mat for hours and somehow turn every submission we were taught into the 69 position. We only enjoyed each others company, and were blissfully attached at the nipples for the entire 2 1/2 years we trained at the school together.
The people that worked out there felt toward us like most feel about anal. The guys fucking loved us and would gladly give up a not-so- important extremity to do us, and the women hated us with a burning passion. Needless to say we earned this butt fucking status in a vast variety of ways. For example, on any given Monday night, we would wait for class to begin with the rest of our classmates, while giggling like two special ed school girls. Then promptly, after hearing our instructor announce from across the room, “Ladies make sure you take off all your jewelery before class!” Lori and I would turn to each other and in unison mumble “Shittttt! Forgot to take out our clit rings again!” just loud enough for everyone around us to hear. Then, without skipping a beat, we proceeded to skip back to the women’s locker room hand in hand tugging at each others uniforms as we disappeared inside. This favorite pastime of ours earned us piercingly dirty looks from some of the prude housewives that bared witness to this charade. I imagine that it’s the same look they reserve for their husbands every time the topic of swallowing is brought up for discussion. The men, of course, adored us. This adoration being for no other reason than the constant flow of ‘ happy tissue time’ material we provided them on a nightly basis. Surprisingly after acting like complete assholes for two years, we became quite good at what we were being taught. In fact we actually started teaching and became quite good at that too, somehow, still blows my mind sometimes. After about two years our instructor asked us to teach a beginners class on Monday nights… ::Insert ‘Law and Order’ music here::
“I don’t wanna fucking do this!” Lori grunted before our ONE new student came in on the following Monday.
” Yeah this sucks harder than the time I had to grapple with The Beast for ten consecutive minutes” I responded as I finished putting on my uniform.
(The Beast was just one of the nicknames we generously handed out in that school. This was of course due to her strikingly unattractive physical features and a F.U.P.A her husband most likely needed a treasure map to navigate around.) I of course use the word “treasure” here loosely. As we both strolled out of the locker room we saw our student shuffle her way onto the mat with her three year old daughter treading behind her resembling a Chihuahua on anti-depressants. “There’s the Newbie!” I exclaimed to Lori while openly pointing point blank in her direction, as if I had all of the sudden turned into fucking Christopher Columbus. Lori looked over at me with about as much enthusiasm for life in her face as someone who’s been blowing their 60 year old accounting professor for the past three months only to find out they’re getting a D for the class anyways. “Alright, lets get it over with,” she responded as we walked over to Newbie and introduced ourselves. We plastered smiles on our faces and proceeded to instruct her on the punching mits. One of our classmates was holding the pads for Newbie to punch, or in her case: bitch slap at a rapid pace.It was actually borderline impressive how exceptionally bad at it she was, but we continued to encourage and help her the whole way through making her feel as if she had the raw talent of Mohammad Ali. Even though, if you were solely judging by the miserable look on her face, you’d think she just found out the mailman gave her herpes, everything seemed to be going ok. “Alright your doing well!” Lori exclaimed “Keep punching!” I added. And after a few minutes of going back and forth, this drill took a sharp turn in the wrong direction, As Lori let out another supportive comment, mid-sentence, Newbie did something that only the Psychic hot line could have predicted, out of the blue she burst into tears! The first few tears running down her face were met by Lori and I staring at her with our mouths agape in complete and utter shock. It didn’t stop there however, just seconds after tearing up, Newbie started BAWLING…with sound. ” I just can’t do this! I cant do this anymore!!!!!! she blubbered ” As soon as the words left her mouth Lori and I had an immediate reaction that would put Mother Teresa’s panties in a twist by exceeding sympathy and compassion in every possible way: HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER.
“haha yeah what the fuck? And I’ll tell u this, if she doesn’t get that monkey child checked out by a vet I’ll give her something to cry about.”
“Seriously, did u see those waterworks? What are we in a fucking Lifetime movie?”
” Ha more like a Tarantino movie with that pig tailed sadist. I think Newbie might have actually slobbered on me look at my pants”
” Nah you prob lost all bladder control mid fit of laughter, I’m buying you Depends on the way home”
“Haha thanks. So our first night instructing we made someone cry, you do realize how retarded that is right?”
” Hahaha it’s priceless. Yeah it’s official, we’re now bonafide ‘lick the windows on the school bus’ retards” To our surprise our teaching stint did not end there. Since that class we had a handful of other students, mostly men. None of which cried. Although I’m fairly certain at least one jizzed in his uniform repeatedly every time Lori and I demonstrated a move on each other. This may have been a direct result of our tendency to motorboat each other in public…often. None the less after a few weeks we graduated our student to the ‘big kids class’ on account of his vast technical improvements and our annoyance of witnessing his ‘O’ face repeatedly. However, after a five week long career, we decided the job was taking too great a toll on us and retired. I had big plans for us to move to Boca and enjoy our golden years harassing senior citizens, playing star wars with our dildos, and chasing liquor with beer… all the while staying true to our roots by licking school bus windows every chance we get.
(The Beast was just one of the nicknames we generously handed out in that school. This was of course due to her strikingly unattractive physical features and a F.U.P.A her husband most likely needed a treasure map to navigate around.) I of course use the word “treasure” here loosely. As we both strolled out of the locker room we saw our student shuffle her way onto the mat with her three year old daughter treading behind her resembling a Chihuahua on anti-depressants. “There’s the Newbie!” I exclaimed to Lori while openly pointing point blank in her direction, as if I had all of the sudden turned into fucking Christopher Columbus. Lori looked over at me with about as much enthusiasm for life in her face as someone who’s been blowing their 60 year old accounting professor for the past three months only to find out they’re getting a D for the class anyways. “Alright, lets get it over with,” she responded as we walked over to Newbie and introduced ourselves. We plastered smiles on our faces and proceeded to instruct her on the punching mits. One of our classmates was holding the pads for Newbie to punch, or in her case: bitch slap at a rapid pace.It was actually borderline impressive how exceptionally bad at it she was, but we continued to encourage and help her the whole way through making her feel as if she had the raw talent of Mohammad Ali. Even though, if you were solely judging by the miserable look on her face, you’d think she just found out the mailman gave her herpes, everything seemed to be going ok. “Alright your doing well!” Lori exclaimed “Keep punching!” I added. And after a few minutes of going back and forth, this drill took a sharp turn in the wrong direction, As Lori let out another supportive comment, mid-sentence, Newbie did something that only the Psychic hot line could have predicted, out of the blue she burst into tears! The first few tears running down her face were met by Lori and I staring at her with our mouths agape in complete and utter shock. It didn’t stop there however, just seconds after tearing up, Newbie started BAWLING…with sound. ” I just can’t do this! I cant do this anymore!!!!!! she blubbered ” As soon as the words left her mouth Lori and I had an immediate reaction that would put Mother Teresa’s panties in a twist by exceeding sympathy and compassion in every possible way: HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER.
Yes, while standing 3 feet in front of her as she is having her meltdown, I find myself looking down and shaking while laughing uncontrollably. Shit this is bad, this is really really bad! As I glanced at Lori mid snort, I saw that she had her head in her hands and was proceeding to convulse: seizure style. It became clear that asking
for her help would be about as productive as asking Paris Hilton to help me with calculus homework so I had to conjure up a plan B. Ok i guess I’ll have to take care of this I suggested to myself mid chuckle. I soon realized that no matter how hard I try, I cannot stop laughing. I came to the stark realization that I’ve officially turned into the kid back in Elementary School that walked around in the earmuffs all year round. But I knew I had to snap out of it and after reaching to the depths of my seemingly empty soul and gathering all my strength, I made the executive decision that it was time for me to look up. As I lifted my head and peered at the Newbie I was once again taken back at the sight of a grown 36 year old woman sobbing while slobbering all over her boxing gloves. I let out one last chuckle then quickly caught myself. It was time to talk the bitch off the ledge, although I would have much rather pushed her the fuck off. Even though I had more or less contained my laughter at this point in time, I realized that if I didn’t at least crack a smile when addressing her I’d burst as fast as a 40 year losing his virginity. So there I stood, sporting a grin that could only compare in size to that of Hilary Swank doing a Colgate commercial. I glanced over at newbie and let out “Awwwww whaaat’s the matterrr?” through my teeth. The sight of me looking like the village idiot while trying to be sympathetic sent Lori into further laughing spasms. I quickly made a note to myself that she’d own me one fatty size beer after this incident As I avert my attention back, Newbie proceeds to mumble or whimper something though her tears that reached a frequency only small dogs and birds could decipher. Immediately, I attempted to comfort her “It’sss ok it’ll be fiii fiii fiiineeee…bwahahhahahahahaahah!” I erupted like a fucking volcano right in her tear stained face.Thank God Lori had contained herself just in the nick of time, took me by the hand and pulled me away “We’ll be right back,” she assured the Newbie who’s make- up was now running down her neck resembling a black Niagara falls. We then proceeded to move 6 feet away from her as opposed to the original three we stood at before, and continued to speak about her as if we stepped into a sound proof box. “
HAHAHAHA” …”HAHAHA” what the fuck is wrong with her?? Lori exclaimed! “I don’t know but whatever it is, it’s FUCKING HILARIOUS” We chatted back and forth and debated on whether or not Newbie had mad cow disease, it was quite possible. By the time we got back to her she calmed down significantly and we agreed to finish the class with some simple stretches. Fairly confident that nothing else could go wrong with this evening short of Newbie flat out croaking on the matt at this point, Lori and I smoothly transitioned from stretch to stretch. As usual, my instincts failed me once again and before I knew it, while stretching my hamstrings, I was being showered like a stripper with a handful of fliers that were neatly stacked in the lobby only moments before. As I turn around to see who was making it rain on me, I looked straight into the eyes of the spawn of Satin. Newbie’s seemingly cute and bright eyed daughter appeared to be reenacting a scene from The Exorcist and going ape shit in the lobby of the school. The damage could only compare to the likes of hurricane Katrina. Luckily, just seconds before she had the opportunity to throw her own feces across the room, the hour long class from hell came to a screeching halt. As the rest of the class turned around to leave they were struck by the sight of Lori and I in the midst of a what looks to be like a scene from Armageddon with Damian’s female counterpart running circles around us mocking our failure. I’m sure most were embarrassed for us, how can two women bring a new student to tears while allowing her toddler to go all Chris Brown up in this bitch? While slowly drifting back into the locker room Lori and I glanced at each other with a somber and remorseful look in our eyes and continued this conversation… ” Ha! I still can’t believe the bitch cried?!” :“haha yeah what the fuck? And I’ll tell u this, if she doesn’t get that monkey child checked out by a vet I’ll give her something to cry about.”
“Seriously, did u see those waterworks? What are we in a fucking Lifetime movie?”
” Ha more like a Tarantino movie with that pig tailed sadist. I think Newbie might have actually slobbered on me look at my pants”
” Nah you prob lost all bladder control mid fit of laughter, I’m buying you Depends on the way home”
“Haha thanks. So our first night instructing we made someone cry, you do realize how retarded that is right?”
” Hahaha it’s priceless. Yeah it’s official, we’re now bonafide ‘lick the windows on the school bus’ retards” To our surprise our teaching stint did not end there. Since that class we had a handful of other students, mostly men. None of which cried. Although I’m fairly certain at least one jizzed in his uniform repeatedly every time Lori and I demonstrated a move on each other. This may have been a direct result of our tendency to motorboat each other in public…often. None the less after a few weeks we graduated our student to the ‘big kids class’ on account of his vast technical improvements and our annoyance of witnessing his ‘O’ face repeatedly. However, after a five week long career, we decided the job was taking too great a toll on us and retired. I had big plans for us to move to Boca and enjoy our golden years harassing senior citizens, playing star wars with our dildos, and chasing liquor with beer… all the while staying true to our roots by licking school bus windows every chance we get.
It’s a lot of pressure being “the shit” perhaps it is
best to start off as “the shart” and work your way
up slowly